Wednesday, December 19, 2007

I'm tired, of waking up tired...

What was the most important thing I forgot to factor into my pre-Christmas panic? Why, it's my once-in-three years' hacking cough/cold-that-I-don't-get-over-in-a-month freaky virus! UGGGGGGH, so I'm feeling particularly crapola these past few days, and am in the most snarly of moods.

The good news is that work is on track; Christmas shopping is just about a fait accompli. I still have to line up at Toys R Us this upcoming Saturday morning - L finally decided what he wants for Christmas, but it turns out most 7 year old boys in this part of the planet apparently want the same thing. I haven't yet made the list for Christmas Eve dinner yet, but the sisters-in-law are being the amazing party guests that they always are and will be bringing a lot of the food and goodies. My major endeavour right now is to try to get healthy so I don't make my precious two baby nieces sick during G's birthday festivities this upcoming Saturday. Yes, that's right, two days before Christmas Eve dinner, we're having another family dinner. Can you say take out?

But I'm going to do something for myself tomorrow night, a pre-Christmas treat, hopefully I'll be feeling up to it, but I'll be having dinner with one of my oldest girlfriends, to get caught up and enjoy some pre-Christmas cheer.

So speaking of old friends, I have a little dilemma. I, like millions of other people, got hooked onto Facebook earlier this year. Actually, I was invited by one of the moms in a Mothers group I belonged to, and it was great fun at first. Being so nosy about everybody's life, their family, pictures, having fun with instant "wall postings", and it was a great space to make arrangements for playdates and nights out. Like all things internet I was quickly enamored with it. To play it safe, I used a little bit of a pseudonym, as I was a bit concerned about anonymity, and not wanting people to necessarily find me. Obviously with the openness of the internet, even potential clients and workplaces could pop in and find me, and as some other bloggers have noticed, privacy is not a huge capability on Facebook.

One of my old friends from high school started this reunion group because it's a big year coming up. I won't get into the details of what year exactly, because it's a reminder of how old I really am getting. But at any rate, it was sort of fun to join it, to see if others from my graduating year joined, and just who, if anyone, I would recognize. Which wasn't a whole heck of a lot of people. A lot of them are totally unrecognizable, including the names. I thought I knew a lot of people back then, but I suppose not. The one face I did recognize was that of my first boyfriend ever. We dated the last couple years of high school, and then into university. But things got tumultuous, we had a bad breakup, and I haven't heard from or of him in over twenty years.

Well, seeing as he was quite good friends with the fellow who started the reunion group, it was only a matter of time that he noticed I was there. And of course I noticed he was there too. What I didn't expect was for him to actually contact me through the site. We had a nice e:mail exchange, got caught up on a few things; found out he got married about 4 years ago, no kids, I shared a bit with him about me and my family. Ian was of course a bit curious too; took a look at the photo and said to me "He isn't your type". Too funny, Ian. Of course he's not! That's why I didn't stay with him -- sheesh!!

In one of the messages, the ex was quite complimentary to me; Ian thought it was nice what he said. I told my girlfriend what he'd said and she thought it was nice too, but said she probably wouldn't have appreciated that comment if she were the ex's wife! In any case, I thought I'd wrap up the e:mails with some holiday greetings, saying it was nice to get caught up, and thought that would be it. So wouldn't you know it, he's trying to add me as a Facebook friend now.

Which I think is sort of weird. When I say we had a bad breakup, it went like this. You know how things get so intense when you're 16, you think this thing will last forever? And then if you experience parental pressure to break things off, things escalate even more? When you stay in this relationship into university, you may grow apart. He broke it off with me first because he wanted to party more, see other people; I was focusing on school, didn't want to split up. So I was quite hurt, my grades suffered for the first few years of university.

But when I look back, it was probably the best thing that could have happened to me. We stayed friends, and still dated sort of occasionally over the next couple of years. But then I woke up and decided to really start dating other guys. None of those other dates were really serious, but I was having fun, enjoying being in my early 20's, and single. And that's when he wanted me back, in a bad way (isn't that always the case). So I was torn, because when you've been together for a few of those formative years, it's only natural.

What finally did it for me was when I met Ian. Then I KNEW that there was something special, and that whatever I had before was definitely over. Ian was also focused on school, but he liked to party too, just when it was appropriate to. He just had his priorities straight. I would visit him on weekends and we would study, and then we would have fun the rest of the weekend. And lo and behold, I felt really good about myself, I was totally in love, and my grades picked right up. And my parents, well, they even sort of liked this new guy.

So this time it was ME who broke it off once and for all, and then the ex REALLY wanted me back even more desperately. It was a bad scene. The sort of situation where you can' really stay friends.

I know that it is possible for exes to stay friends. Actually, Ian's first serious girlfriend is still a good friend of his, and I have no issues with them getting together for lunch etc. as we'll still socialize with her and her family every so often. But I think my situation is really quite different.

Thus, I've decided to ignore the request. I feel a bit rude about it, not answering, just letting it hang. Maybe I'm being too paranoid or sensitive about it. But I'm thinking, really, what is the point? We've both got our own lives now, it was nice to catch up and everything, but I don't really need to see more about his life, and I don't really need him to be seeing more about mine. I know I can edit my privacy settings and all, but I don't really want to get into that. But who knows, maybe with the transparency of Facebook, this whole post has already been read by him, so he'll know why I'm not answering!

Wow, what a long-winded post. I guess this is what happens when I've going through blog-withdrawal!

16 comments:

Curiosity.Killer said...

I don't believe in being friends with ex cause my relationships are often too emotional or passionate to really get civil afterwards. Some people can deal with it - my sis certainly can... and I admire them for it. But when you can recall your ex acting crazy, then stay the hell away. I had an ex trying to get back together after years of him cheating - I had to push for friendship only, and eventually we couldn't manage that. I realized I should've just run the other way.

Anyhow, it's too bad he's adding pressure on your life - but you have a great thing going for you. I'm happy for ya.

I wish I can be there to help you make lists and organize some of your events. It'll be a lot easier - but you're right, taking care of yourself is primo importance. You already got your priorities straight.

Ginaagain said...

I think you made the right decision to just ignore his request.

Sorry you aren't feeling well. I hope you get better fast. You have an awful lot going on!

Badness Jones said...

I've never stayed friends with an ex...lots of reasons, hurt feelings, geographical distance, etc. I guess the real reason is that I don't have time for a lot of 'acquaintances'. My life since kids is so busy that I'd rather spend my time and energy with the people I REALLY love. My family, and the few close friends that are really like family to me too. And all my new bloggy friends, of course! LOL!

And I've got an account with Facebook, but I really don't 'get' it....

Beck said...

I doooon't actually think that you can be friends with exes. I mean, I think you can still be civil and send Christmas cards, but anything beyond that is just asking for some big scary ol' trouble. So ignoring his request would be what I would do, too.

bgathen said...

you did the right thing. from a guy's point of view, he's upset without it ended and how he was the dumped and not the dumpee (dumper?) This is his chance to draw you back into a relationship and to get closure the way he wants it; however that may be. It's manipulative. Exes can be friends in certain situations but it doesn't sound like this is one of those situations. Just my two cents...

Sandy C. said...

Why do men always do that? I would have to say that almost every guy I've dated has tried to pull the "I want you back after you've shown signs of moving on" trick.
I think you made the right decision, especially if you did not feel comfortable with him digging through your info.

gmcountrymama said...

I hope you feel better quick!
I agree to just ignore his request, I probably would have ignored him from the start but my hus's feelings would have been hurt if I exchanged email with and old boyfriend. Even though I would have been curious.
Happy almost birthday Giselle!

Christy said...

Ugh, ex's!!! With my ex we started as really good friends, they it got really ugly and messy. Now we still see each other occasionaly due to being in the same social circle, but I still won't add him on facebook :) Facebook is funny. Oh well! Hope the family dinner and birthday go well, and that you feel better ;)

slouching mom said...

I'm with Beck...

My experience is that it really never works to try to become friends with exes, although it may for a time.

I believe that you did the right thing.

Welcome back!

CrankMama said...

As one of my in-laws is fond of saying, "if it ain't no fun, it ain't no good". Sounds like you made the right choice for you.

Hope you get over the plague soon and get to enjoy the festivities!

C said...

A girlfriend of mine once told me that "An ex is an ex for a reason" and that there is no reason to be friends with an ex. I beg to differ though. I have a few exes with whom I have remained friends with. We're all married now and we get along just great! We weren't meant for each other but have a great relationship as friends.

On the flip side, my ex (the one before I got married to Hubby) is trying to add me as a friend on Facebook too. We were together for 5 crappy years. Seriously, Dina, Danielle and CK can tell you how crappy things were. Anyway, he keeps sending me messages, asking me to add him. I haven't done so and don't really see the point. I've spoken about it with John, and he said that I should do whatever I feel is best for me. He doesn't care that the ex is trying to be friends with me. It doesn't bother him at all. He thinks it's odd that the ex wants to be friends, but none the less, he isn't worried.

I haven't added the ex and at this point don't really feel the need to. It's just so weird how people can be in your life and then not be in touch for ages and all of a sudden want to be friends again. Some people are just plain weird.

OHmommy said...

Ahhh, Facebook.

I too have ignored Facebook and have acutally even blocked people on it.

When blocked, they can't see that you are a part of that group. They can never see your comments on any page.

You block a person and you become invisible to them. Smart. yes?

bec said...

Karen--I think you did the right thing. It's okay to touch base with an ex, get an update on their life and then keep on movin' on. I don't know the motives of your ex for adding you as a friend on facebook. It could be something, or it could be innocent. I've found there are some people on facebook I call "friend collectors". They try to add everyone they know as though the quantity of friends on their list is more important than the quality of the friendships...

I have to say after reading this blog yesterday, I had a dream last night that an ex contacted me and I had to choose to end contact, even though he said some flattering things. The good things of the relationship made me feel great, but then the dream ended on a realistic note when I realized that the relationship ended for many reasons, too. Too funny your blog got me thinking about it!

John J. Kaiser said...

"UGGGGGGH, so I'm feeling particularly crapola these past few days,"

You're not the only one. Both my wife, my daughter, and myself are all sick! Heck, even the dogs have ear infections. HA!

Karen MEG said...

Thanks for everyone's comments. I just needed the validation... such a Libran!!

melissa said...

Hope this isn't too late....

I'm in sporadic email contact with someone I was previously engaged to. It feels weird sometimes, but I do enjoy contacting/being contacted by him. It's all on the up and up, at least on my end anyway. I get the feeling she doesn't know about him contacting me. Anyway, if you felt the least bit odd though, which apparently you did, you did the right thing by not continuing contact. Who needs that kind of stress...


Hope you are feeling better and had fun at all of your various celebrations.

Merry Christmas!

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