Monday, January 28, 2008

Last Bastion of Hotness

The following contains gratuitous use of the word *ass*, and not as in Shrek’s best friend. Just so ya know.

Something disturbing happened this week. As I was getting the children cleaned up for bed, I caught via my peripheral vision, a glimpse of a not-too-pretty sight as I passed by the washroom mirror. I got a peek at my ass. And it wasn’t a pretty one.

I had noticed that these jeans were feeling a bit loose, but when I first put them on in the morning, they felt snug and comfy enough. I didn’t wear a belt, because heaven forbid that a belt be used for something other than fashion. Function? Psshaw!!! And usually my butt cheeks are fairly well-encased enough not to need them.

The one part of my body that I’ve always felt pretty comfortable with is my ass. Granted, I’m Asian, so I’ve got a flat-ass, but with just enough curve to make me interesting. It’s been a fairly skinny Asian ass but one of my best features, nonetheless. I figured this ass made up for the lack-o’-rack. When I hit puberty and the chest area wasn’t happening, well, thank goodness I could at least shimmy into some hot denim. I mean, God had to get the balance right somehow, correct?

The last couple of years, since little G was born, I’ve prided myself with keeping fairly fit, active, and young looking for a 40-something mom of two. Suburban mom now, let’s be real, but I could still rock the skinny jeans, even the low slung versions (which likely explains the MT reference by my boy a little while ago). I can still get away with them as long as the T-shirt goes past the pelvics.

So I was quite unprepared for the ass sighting that hit me the other evening. The butt of the jeans was sagging, waaaaaay low, and these were stretchy jeans, ok, which were apparently supposed to have some type of spandex/stretchy synthetic component to them. That are supposed to, you know, hug those cheeks so invitingly.

Whaaaaaaatttt?! And to make matters worse, the husband, who was previously known as Lab 1 Guy hotness personified, walked by at that moment and said “Hey, what’s going on with you? Nice Mom jeans.”

Can you say freak?! Super Freak even?!!!

I don’t know if Bodyjam will even help Aging-Asian-Mom-Sagging-Flat-Ass Syndrome at this point.

I guess I’ll have to get me some of these:

On a separate but somewhat related note, the one with the littlest ass in this house is now wearing big girl undies. Whoot!


Family Adventure said...

I'm a non-believer in this entire post. I still think you rock the skinny jeans, my friend.


PS: Except for the Giselle part - that part I believe and WOO-HOO big girl

Don Mills Diva said...

That video is scary! My ass was the first thing to go truthfully. I am counting on my rack to keep me hot but I fear it's too much to ask of two small recruits...:(

mrsmogul said...

wow nice mom jeans?? I never heard that before LOL My ass is looking good in the new DAISY FUENTES jeans. WHO KNEW I WOULD WEAR HER STUFF but the pair makes my butt look tight!

Dapoppins said...

I am not Asian, but I have no butt. Before kids I had a little one, when I was thin, and my thighs were small. But now, I am known as "The Butt-Wonder." And I have a magic belt too!

Great post!

Kami said...

I am rolling on the floor over here! That video is hilarious... 9 inch zippers... seriously to my armpits that would be!

Go shopping Karen and you get you some hot new denim... you just need the right pair!


yay for the littlest one too!

Badness Jones said...

Yay Giselle! And Karen, I've seen your fashion Fridays, and you are SO not destined for Mom jeans, my friend.

OHmommy said...

He did not!

Thanks for the video. I was rolling on the ground! heehee. I am sure your rock the skinny jeans. I am sure of it.

J at said...

That totally blows. Tell him that comment is going to cost him a pair of '7 for all mankind' jeans, or something equally EXPENSIVE (like maybe $250+). Ignore the fact that you could surely find something just as hot, if not hotter, at the Gap for under $60. The lesson must be learned.

I've always wanted a flat butt. Sigh. But I've got me the curves (aka, lots of ass, and cellulite to go along with it...yeah, pretty.), but at least I have the boobs to compensate.

Kellan said...

That skit is so funny - Mom jeans - HA! I think you need to stick to your skinny jeans - you are too hot to wear any of those "Mom Jeans"! Funny post - thanks for the laughs.

See you later Karen. Kellan

gmcountrymama said...

I agree with everyone that you definately need to stay away of mom jeans.
I am sure you look gorgeous in anything!
My legs were always my best feature. They are starting to look like mom legs recently though, UGH.

Kat said...

LOL - MOM JEANS! Quel Nightmare!

If the ass goes, you still have your beautiful face. And if that goes. . . your personality will always be HOT. ;-)

bec said...

Karen--I can't believe your bum would betray you like this. Say it isn't so. I do not believe it! You have an awesome figure. You're fit and spunky. If the forties are how you portray them, then give me the forties over these thirties any day!

If you look really closely, I'm in that video. LOLOL. I was wearing the mom jeans way before I became a mom, and then discovered how uncool they are!

Karen--my butt is more 'asian' than yours. An asian friend (a guy no less) offered to set me up on a shopping date with his wife to show me the stores they recommend for asian figures.

I've even had a salesperson tell me, as an impressionable teen, that I didn't have a bum to pull off those Levis cords that were once all the rage.

So now, I go low-rise and have to carefully select where I sit in "circle time" so no one gets corrupted by a plumber-bum citing. And if you chose to sit elsewhere during circle time with lil G, I'll totally understand ;)All in the name of fashion, my friend. What could be more important than that!

Great post again, K!!!

Rima said...

"Lack-o-rack" HAHAHAHA!

I think we can just chalk the saggy butt jeans to a washer/dryer malfunction. And bad on the Hot Lab Guy #1 for the mom jeans comment! Those words should never, ever pass a husband's lips!

Sandy C. said...

Oh. My. GAWD!!!! ROFL- "at least shimmy into some hot denim" and the Mom Jeans!!!!!

Holy moly can I relate! I'm asian too with a set of bee-stings for a rack, but my arse has always been bedonkedonk! Totally unfair proportions....

I'm sure you still rock the denim ;)

slouching mom said...

From what I can tell, you're doing just fine. Better not enough ass than too much, like some of us...

And go, little girl! That's awesome!

Beth said...

I think you look great!

I don't care how big my muffin top gets, I'm never getting a pair of mom jeans!

BeachMama said...

Throw away the Mom jeans. Don't look back. And get your skinny ass into some skinny jeans now!!

Ahh. I feel better now. If you can wear the good stuff don't look back. Some of us want to live vicariously through you until we can put our skinny jeans back on :)

Huckdoll said...

Sounds like a case of needing to go jeans shopping, not an ass problem!!! I know the same thing happens to my jeans after a few months. Invest lots! Jeans are one of those items which pay to invest in good quality!!

Todd said...

It is great when the kids get into underwear!!!!

Doing a little Blog Hopping when I have a little time and not dozing off due to 2 active boys, a new baby and no sleep...

Sniz said...

Hopped over from Kellan's blog. This story is so funny. I can't relate to the flat behind (I've always been too well-endowed there) but to the saggy mom part and the muffin top part. Sigh. Why do our bodies have to get older when our minds just get better and better?
TTYS - Sniz

Laural Dawn said...

This was the funniest post ever.
I have to admit that I have always had a small flat ass. So many people complain about their ass growing when pregnant, but personally I don't mind that because that's the only place on my body where I could use a little body fat.
The rest of me has plenty.
But, I will never wear mom jeans. Never!

hellomelissa said...

hey, at least it's your butt sagging. you can cover up your butt. my face is starting to sag, and unless i start wearing a burqa i'm stuck.


Blog Widget by LinkWithin