The following contains gratuitous use of the word *ass*, and not as in Shrek’s best friend. Just so ya know.
Something disturbing happened this week. As I was getting the children cleaned up for bed, I caught via my peripheral vision, a glimpse of a not-too-pretty sight as I passed by the washroom mirror. I got a peek at my ass. And it wasn’t a pretty one.
I had noticed that these jeans were feeling a bit loose, but when I first put them on in the morning, they felt snug and comfy enough. I didn’t wear a belt, because heaven forbid that a belt be used for something other than fashion. Function? Psshaw!!! And usually my butt cheeks are fairly well-encased enough not to need them.
The one part of my body that I’ve always felt pretty comfortable with is my ass. Granted, I’m Asian, so I’ve got a flat-ass, but with just enough curve to make me interesting. It’s been a fairly skinny Asian ass but one of my best features, nonetheless. I figured this ass made up for the lack-o’-rack. When I hit puberty and the chest area wasn’t happening, well, thank goodness I could at least shimmy into some hot denim. I mean, God had to get the balance right somehow, correct?
The last couple of years, since little G was born, I’ve prided myself with keeping fairly fit, active, and young looking for a 40-something mom of two. Suburban mom now, let’s be real, but I could still rock the skinny jeans, even the low slung versions (which likely explains the MT reference by my boy a little while ago). I can still get away with them as long as the T-shirt goes past the pelvics.
So I was quite unprepared for the ass sighting that hit me the other evening. The butt of the jeans was sagging, waaaaaay low, and these were stretchy jeans, ok, which were apparently supposed to have some type of spandex/stretchy synthetic component to them. That are supposed to, you know, hug those cheeks so invitingly.
Whaaaaaaatttt?! And to make matters worse, the husband, who was previously known as Lab 1 Guy hotness personified, walked by at that moment and said “Hey, what’s going on with you? Nice Mom jeans.”
Can you say freak?! Super Freak even?!!!
I don’t know if Bodyjam will even help Aging-Asian-Mom-Sagging-Flat-Ass Syndrome at this point.
I guess I’ll have to get me some of these:
On a separate but somewhat related note, the one with the littlest ass in this house is now wearing big girl undies. Whoot!