Monday, March 30, 2009

Somewhere only we know...

Five years ago this was Day 29 of the cycle before THE CYCLE that changed my whole world.

I thought about this the other day as I sent my husband to the pharmacy to pick me up some drugs, the "we're too old to have another baby but not too old for, you know" medication. Ironically, almost 5 years ago to the day, I was at the same pharmacy, picking up other drugs, the ones handed to me by the same pharmacist who had given me other cocktails five previous times. And he handed me the white bag housing thousands of dollars worth of hope ...with a smile and a cheery "Good Luck".

In actual fact, I had already been on oral contraceptives that whole cycle because, as twisted as this seems, you are NOT to get pregnant while taking one of the drugs in my IVF protocol. So taking OC's in preparation for making a baby. Mind boggles.

The whole infertility train is just full of twists, turns, disappointments, WTF moments. You just go with the flow.

It's hard to believe it was five years ago. But it was like yesterday. Taking deep breaths, drawing the precious liquid into the syringe, plunging that not so thin-gauge needle into my thighs (upper limbs were already getting their share of the poking... all other limbs were now fair game). Daily.

I know we were one of the very lucky ones. We hit the jackpot not once but twice, and now we do indeed have that "millionaire's family" worth much more than millions.

But I do believe, despite our successes, once 'an infertile', always an infertile. Unless you've been there, you just cannot know.

When I catch up on a couple of my blog friends' journeys, I get all wrapped up, all tied up in angst, as I feel it. I've owned it. And I try to send them what I hope are encouraging comments, insightful thoughts and maybe occasionally make them laugh through their tears (okay, I'll stop there, I'm not THAT funny). So that they know they are not alone in this sometimes seemingly very lonely journey.

Because it is somewhere only we know...


Cid said...

Thanks for sharing your story. My sister is almost halfway through her first IVF pregnancy, I keep holding my breath for every check up. Your writing helps far more than you can imagine.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

Thank you.

It genuinely does help, even in terribly small amounts to have people who've come out the other side come and comment.

I have to make one funny confession though, I DESPISE keane, and that entire album must be the most depressing collection of music I can bring to mind ;-)

Karen MEG said...

@Cid, so happy for your sister...hope everything keeps going well!

@Xbox -too funny about Keane. I picked this as it was out about the time the little G came to be, and I was ALL OVER the CD, but come to think of it, you are absolutely is rather, ahem, melancholy isn't it?

Kami's Khlopchyk said...

I can't ever understand what it's like but I sure have been living it with Cheryl. GO CHECK HER BLOG NOW! DO NOT PASS GO!

ps sorry for will see why I did :)

Thank you for sharing your experience, it is helpful to know what it is like. Really.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

I don't know what it is but that CD just brings me back to a time when nothing really was wrong, but I mustn't have been a happy chappy.

and it looks like your mention has been a good luck omen for one of the bloggers!

Tara R. said...

I cannot imagine what you and your husband had to have gone through, and all the other bloggers I've read who are going through this same scenario. My heart breaks. I am so glad you have your 'millionarie's family'. Seeing your wonderful children must be a great inspiration for other couples.

Badness Jones said...

I remember once, in my last pregnancy, coming back from throwing up in the washroom at work and complaining to a customer about how sick I was. She almost started to cry because she'd have given anything to be pregnant. I felt like the world's biggest ass, and I realized that I would never really understand the depth of the pain that infertility causes. I remind myself frequently how lucky I am. I think you're amazing, and your children as lucky to have you as you are to have them.

gmcountrymama said...

I'm sure you are giving hope to those that are struggling with infertility. It's nice that you are able to write about your difficulties, after having such a wonderful outcome.

Cheryl said...

Thank you for saying it exactly like it is.....WTF moments
I am lucky to have become pregnant! I know there is along road ahead. THANK YOU for your comments and support!

OHmommy said...

I can only imagine the heartache you and your husband went through, Karen. Thanks for sharing your beautiful words.

Jocelyn said...

What a grand gift the last five years are, then.

I appreciated your saying no one really knows unless they've been there. I haven't, so I don't. But I am glad you give me glimpses.

melissa said...

i was so lucky. i know that. i never had a problem. but i lived through it with TWO of my friends. the disappointment. the hope. the shots. the whole thing!
i am so glad for you that it turned out to be the multilkagillionaire family that you deserved! and i hope, for everyone else that is struggling that they have the same success!!
yeah...gotta go with xbox. couldn't even press play on the keane song. but...i still heart you...never fear!!

melissa said...

p.s... i just want to say that, while i experienced the journey to fertility with a couple of my friends...i don't presume to know how it truly feels. i only know, from their words...not their true feelings. does that make sense?

Karen MEG said...

@Kami, thanks for sending me Cheryl's way... so exciting!

@Xbox: glad you've made the decision

@Tara: hopefully it's an inspiration. I used to be more hush hush about it, but then I thought, why should I be? It affects so many people..

@badness: shouldn't feel badly that it was easy for you, it's a blessing

@gm mama: you know, it seems so long ago and yet just like yesterday. Almost surreal. You don't realize your strength or resolve (or desperation) until you're faced with something like that

@ cheryl: WHOOOOOOOTTTT!!! So happy for you!

@OM: thanks, sweetie.

@jocelyn: The years have indeed been grand, especially when they're not at each other's throats.
I hope this post doesn't come across too negatively to those who haven't experienced it. I've just seen too much insensitivity to this problem, people just don't think, you know? And there are so many people walking around with this anguish in their hearts, barely able to cope as it if I can impart a few glimpses in my little speck of blogosphere, then great!

@melissa: I'm sure you've been such a supportive friend. And that's a real plus, when sometimes it can feel so isolating.

Momisodes said...

Infertility is such a nightmare. It really is. We haven't been brave enough to go down the IVF route, and it's been such a challenge already.

I know your words and visits make a difference. I'm sure it means more than you know.

Magpie said...

The birth control pills pre-cycle was an eyebrow raiser for me too. So ironic.


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