Thursday, January 21, 2010

Hey Dad, it's me...

The last time I was alone with you, you were asleep. No hint of duress in your breathing, no shifting about in order to get in the most comfortable position ... and under normal circumstances it would have been as if you'd just passed out while watching your favourite sports match on TV, snoring while sitting in your leather massage chair.

A part of me was willing you to wake up, just so I could say "hi" and have you look at me, to look at me and really see me. For you to know that I was there, and had been there for a while -- had been there whenever I could during a period that had us all seemingly rushing to nowhere, fast. I had so much to say to you. But everything had been going at such a frenetic pace, it must have been almost like a circus for you in the day. So much going on, about you and around you.

It was night time, it was quiet, and you were resting. So I just sat at the foot of your bed.

The two of us in silence, exactly a year ago this moment.

I so wish I could have another.

*****

Friday is the one year anniversary of my Dad's passing. A full year has passed.

Mom has been dealing so well with the change in her life. Dad would be pleased to see that she's taken a liking to the stock channel even in his absence. His kids are all missing him, but doing okay. The son will be welcoming another baby into the family come spring; more successes and accolades have come to his younger daughter and her business, and his eldest daughter is working full time again. In management, no less - like father like daughter. I think he'd like that too. His grandbabies are no longer babies with the leader of the pack hitting the ripe old age of ten this year. Dad would have a whole lot to be proud of.

My family is getting together this weekend - I don't know if you'd call it a celebration, it just felt right to do something. What are you supposed to do at the one year mark anyway? What's right, what will feel right? I still don't even know "how" to grieve yet.

*****

All I know is this. It ain't beautifully poetic and after all those years of studying the dictionary, you'd think I could come up with something a bit better... but it's the truth:

I still really, really miss you, Dad.

34 comments:

Badness Jones said...

Oh Karen - I don't think that there is a right way to grieve, or a right way to mark the anniversary of his passing. But you, his family, are his legacy. And keeping that together, and bonded, and loving, and growing, and learning? I think that would make your Dad very proud. Hugs.

Simon said...

A family get-together is the best, most appropriare thing to do, I'm sure.

LceeL said...

As a Dad myself, with less life left than I have lived, being 'missed' is all one could ask for.

Always miss him.

Tara R. said...

My thoughts are with you and your family always. It's good that you all are coming together to comfort each other.

Kat said...

I know. I think you will always miss him.
I has been over 6 months since my dad passed away and I don't feel like I've gotten to properly grieve yet. So strange.
I can relate to everything you are saying. And I know your dad can hear you. He sees all of your accomplishments and I KNOW he must be very proud of you.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family this weekend.

wherewiller said...

Thinking of you and your family.

Anonymous said...

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Momisodes said...

I wish I were there to hug you. My thoughts are with you and your family.

Jill of All Trades said...

I lost my Momma 3-1/2 years now and I have finally stopped crying everytime someone asks about her. It was the most difficult thing I have ever encounter except I lost my best friend 5 months before that. Time truly does make the pain soften a bit. Thoughts are with you and your family. Keep writing, it helps.

Huckdoll said...

Massive hugs, Karen.

A few people above said it and they're right; there's no right way to grieve. A group of us get together on the anniversary of one of our close friend's death every single year to the day and it's a strange gathering of laughter, tears and stories. It's actually pretty amazing.

And the missing never, ever ends but that is part of being human. Anything different would be inhumane.

xo

Yo Momma said...

hugs hugs and double hugs. My condolences to you and your family. I think its very nice that you're having a get together to remember and honor him.

Knatolee said...

I can't believe it has been a year. I don't think there's any "right" thing to do, but it does help to mark the anniversary in some way so I'm glad your family is getting together. My parents died on the same day, five years apart, so every year on that day I make a donation somewhere that I know they would have liked (animal shelter, library.) And I spend some time thinking about them and light a candle in their memory. It does, in my opinion, get better after the first year but you never stop missing them!! Have a hug.

Anonymous said...

It was extremely interesting for me to read that article. Thanx for it. I like such topics and anything connected to this matter. I would like to read a bit more on that blog soon.

Sarah @ Spilled Sweet Tea said...

I am so sorry for your loss and grief. The closest person I've lost was my Aunt Naomi. I created a hanging shadowbox filled with pictures and mementos and I light a candle below it for her whenever I'm hurting from missing her.

Kami's Khlopchyk said...

I disagree, this was beautiful and poetic. I have a lump in my throat. I think your writing is a legacy to your dad like nothing else and a perfect part of your grieving process. You make me want to spend more time with my dad.

Mrs4444 said...

I'm glad you miss your dad; I loved my mine, but I don't miss him. I guess some might say that makes me cold, but it is what it is.

One thing we like to do on special occasions is light a special candle that I bought, to remember those who have passed on without us. It's comforting.

Melisa with one S said...

Sending hugs and peace to you and your family... xoxo

April said...

His family's love is, I'm sure, the best tribute of his legacy. And spending time together sounds like a perfect way to commemorate this date.

I'm a little shocked it's been a year already.

Jocelyn said...

I agree that there is no right way to grieve. All you can do is feel the way you feel, when you're feeling it. You take time to remember him with care, and that's the most important part of all.

imbeingheldhostage said...

I think it's brilliant that you are gathering at the one year date. What a great way to honor your dad, by coming together in love. Sending thoughts of peace to you and yours, J.

Kim said...

I hope this weekend went as well as could be.. My thoughts are with you guys.. I cannot believe it has been a year already... Hugs to you Karen..

Karin said...

My thoughts are with you and your family. Your post made my heart ache because I know how you feel. My dad died 23 years ago and some days I wish for just one more moment...

Karin said...

My thoughts are with you and your family. Your post made my heart ache because I know how you feel. My dad died 23 years ago and some days I wish for just one more moment...

Tooj said...

I sincerely hope that your weekend with your family was enjoyable, full of wonderful memories, and joys of today.

J at www.jellyjules.com said...

You just started me crying. Crap. I still really really miss my mom, too. It's been a year and half, and I felt that the first year was the most difficult. Not that this is easy, by any means.

That feeling of rushing to nowhere? That's how I felt exactly with my mom's illness.

Thinking of you. Glad you got together to celebrate his life.

Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas said...

Sorry I'm so late in adding my well wishes. I hope everything went well and I'm sure he'd be happy to know he hasn't been forgotten and that you're all doing well.

(Hugs)

Ed said...

I know he's proud of you. Of all of you.

This was really, really nice.

Adrialy said...

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I hope you pass: D

Christy said...

Oh Karen, my heart still goes out to all of you. I can't really relate to what it is like, as we haven't had to travel down that road yet, although one day we will eventually must. It is so wonderful to have your siblings to get together with at this time. Take comfort in that.

Anonymous said...

Hi there!
I would like to burn a theme at here. There is such a thing, called HYIP, or High Yield Investment Program. It reminds of ponzy-like structure, but in rare cases one may happen to meet a company that really pays up to 2% daily not on invested money, but from real profits.

For quite a long time, I earn money with the help of these programs.
I don't have problems with money now, but there are heights that must be conquered . I make 2G daily, and my first investment was 500 dollars only.
Right now, I managed to catch a guaranteed variant to make a sharp rise . Turn to my blog to get additional info.

http://theinvestblog.com [url=http://theinvestblog.com]Online Investment Blog[/url]

Kat said...

Beautifully said. I think it's nice that you are getting together...I think that'll be comforting when we hit the one year mark, too. Just to be together.

C said...

Oh, Karen! Thinking about you and sending you lots of hugs. What a beautiful post. Thinking of you and your family. XOXO

imaginary binky said...

Dang. Yeah, the anniversaries are just depressing. I'm approaching the two year mark for my Dad's passing, and it's been almost 1.5 years since Mom died. I still talk to them, sometimes in a nice way, sometimes not so much. I wish it were easier, and I wish they were around to see my new baby in August.

Hugs to you.

Traci said...

I send warm thoughts. My husband just lost his father two weeks ago and we are all still bewildered by the loss. I'm quite sure that your father knows how very much you still love and miss him.

All my best,

Traci

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