Hey Dad, it's me...

The last time I was alone with you, you were asleep. No hint of duress in your breathing, no shifting about in order to get in the most comfortable position ... and under normal circumstances it would have been as if you'd just passed out while watching your favourite sports match on TV, snoring while sitting in your leather massage chair.

A part of me was willing you to wake up, just so I could say "hi" and have you look at me, to look at me and really see me. For you to know that I was there, and had been there for a while -- had been there whenever I could during a period that had us all seemingly rushing to nowhere, fast. I had so much to say to you. But everything had been going at such a frenetic pace, it must have been almost like a circus for you in the day. So much going on, about you and around you.

It was night time, it was quiet, and you were resting. So I just sat at the foot of your bed.

The two of us in silence, exactly a year ago this moment.

I so wish I could have another.

*****

Friday is the one year anniversary of my Dad's passing. A full year has passed.

Mom has been dealing so well with the change in her life. Dad would be pleased to see that she's taken a liking to the stock channel even in his absence. His kids are all missing him, but doing okay. The son will be welcoming another baby into the family come spring; more successes and accolades have come to his younger daughter and her business, and his eldest daughter is working full time again. In management, no less - like father like daughter. I think he'd like that too. His grandbabies are no longer babies with the leader of the pack hitting the ripe old age of ten this year. Dad would have a whole lot to be proud of.

My family is getting together this weekend - I don't know if you'd call it a celebration, it just felt right to do something. What are you supposed to do at the one year mark anyway? What's right, what will feel right? I still don't even know "how" to grieve yet.

*****

All I know is this. It ain't beautifully poetic and after all those years of studying the dictionary, you'd think I could come up with something a bit better... but it's the truth:

I still really, really miss you, Dad.

Brothers and Sisters

This is what I see every morning after I push them out the door ...


This is what I hear from the moms whenever I pick up the girlie from kindergarten ...

"Your boy, he is so protective of your daughter."

"He doesn't let her out of his sight, he's always got an arm around her or he's holding onto her hand as she gets off the bus."

"It's amazing. She gives him a big hug at the door and he does not leave until he sees that she's inside safely with the rest of her class."

My rugrats. They know each other's weak spots and they bug each other mercilessly every chance they get.

But there's some unwritten rule there, a bond that only they know, as only siblings can "get".

He lets her hang out with him and his friends, and he only occasionally complains to me, asking for space. She'll invade his playdates and seek attention from his friends. He doesn't mind overly much. He's almost 9, and she is just 4. I think it's safe to assume that most 9 year olds would shudder at the thought of their pipsqueak younger sister getting into their territory.

Even when we get into the house, occasionally, the big brother will stop and help his little sister take off her shoes. I tell him that she's old enough to do that on her own and he responds with, "Oh, it's okay Mom. I'm here anyway, I may as well give her a hand."

What did she do to deserve this? The girlie, I must admit, has hit the sibling jackpot.

*****

My mother comes home tomorrow. She's been away for almost a month visiting with her brothers. A visit to Hong Kong that she had been hoping to take with my Dad.

Mom's been busy. Shopping, taking a few side tours to Indonesia, eating out, more shopping. No cooking, no cleaning, no laundry... and visiting friends and old classmates who she hadn't seen in over 40 years. She even picked up some extra luggage to fill with the goodies she's purchased for her beloved grandkids.

Both her brothers there have been wonderful to her. They've even given her shopping funds, too much for her to use up so she'll have extra to come home with. I think she's at the place she needs to be right now, in the company of her family. She's often talked wistfully about her big brothers, the one just older than her in particular. Such wonderful memories she has of of them watching out for her while growing up. Her brothers are now taking very good care of their little sister. In her words, she is being treated like a queen.

I've always said that little G is so much like her grandmother.

And luckily for her, the little princess, it looks like she'll also share this with Poh-Poh.

The love of a big brother, that will undoubtedly last a lifetime.

Where did the real posts go?

They're on hiatus, unfortunately. I just don't have it in me.

Happy pictures of my happy kids are helping.

I'm tired, but not nearly as exhausted as others in my family.

I alternate from being numb, to borderline breakdown, to stern resolve within a matter of minutes... all the while with an aching heart, heavy in my chest, and a scream nestled uncomfortably as a whisper in the depths of my throat.

But I have to get past that. It's not about me.

I try to maintain positive thoughts, put on a cheerful face, as they need to see it. We all need to see it. We all need to feel it.

Hope. Strength.

To fight it.

Weekly Winners #51 - Glimpses of Joy

Hangin' with the big cousins

Rolling with the little cousins

Score!!

Let's hear her talk

She works! (Potty training again, I know .... what the hell was I thinking?)

Nature's Teardrops

(Thanks to you for your kind thoughts and prayers. They mean a lot. Our family is going through a rough patch right now. We're mired in a medical system that needs improvement, and quoting my mom's often used phrase, things are "moving like molasses going uphill." It doesn't help that it's holiday season either. So your words are giving me much needed strength. Love to you all.)

For other winners, visit the home of the lovely LOTUS.

Happy Holidays

From my straight-laced, stand-at-attention, little lady and gentleman...

Who am I kidding, they're a laugh-riot and out-to-have-a-good-time, laidback twosome...

(At least, when they're not harassing each other)

The next few days will be busy, and there's a lot going on right now.

I just wanted to get this out there while I can, and wish all of you a wonderful holiday season with your family. Hug your loved ones tight, and let them know how much you love them.

Saturday Saccharine

"We wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas,
We wish you a merry Christmas,
And a Happy New Ear"

Although a part of me hated to do it, I just felt the need to point it out to her.

"Sweetie, I think that might be a happy new Year."

"No mommy, it sounds like 'EAR' ... that's how the song goes!"

"So how many ears do you have? Do you think anyone might need a new one?"

"I have two ears. No, you only need two! That's silly!..." (well, duh, Mommy...).

So for anyone who might just need a replacement,

"We wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas,
We wish you a merry Christmas,
And a Happy New Ear!!"

*****

As I was straightening up the stockings on the fireplace mantle, I noted aloud that we only had one for each of the kids. I said to the little G that perhaps I should get another two, one for her Daddy and one for Mommy. She didn't think that was necessary:

"That's OK Mommy, Goh-goh and I will share our candy with you".

*****

I am in the midst of last minute preparations for the little G's 4th birthday party happening this afternoon. At 12:30 PM, fifteen preschoolers and toddlers will descend upon the indoor playground for two hours of runaround play. And my family, and most importantly, my father, will be there to celebrate with us.

My thanks to you, all of my internet pals, for your thoughts and prayers. We're still in an anxious waiting period, but at least my father is home. I am doing my utmost to stay positive, and this birthday celebration will be a happy one. Whatever tears of worry I have will be shed on the inside... and hopefully all for naught.

Musical Memories - an Ode to Sloan

The other night as I sat down to watch one of the best shows on CBC (well, probably the only show I watch on CBC, if only it weren't on so late every night), the Hour, I noticed that they had changed the theme song. It used to be the New Pornographers. But this season, they're using the distinctive sound of Sloan.

Have you heard of them? If you haven't, check this out... (well, it's the longest intro ever in this video, so forward about 2 minutes to the actual song).



They've been together 17 years now. Wow.

When they first came out around 1992, I enjoyed their indie flavour, the "Canadian-ness" of them. Smart hip lyrics, fun melodies. "Coax Me" and "Underwhelmed" among some of their early hits.

The definitive album for me, though, was "One Chord to Another" released in 1996, where "Good in Everyone" (the clip above) was featured. That song and my other favourite, "Everything You've Done Wrong" bring back some great memories.



Of a time when I was first married, in our first house together. Filled with hope and excitement after deciding that it was time to start our family. I remember bopping around the house to this CD, we were playing it on heavy rotation. Full of optimism for our future.

The journey to family wasn't quite as easy as expected.

To be honest, I haven't been following these guys in the last few years. So when I heard this music introducing the Hour, it made me curious about what they've been up to.

Looks like they're still doing it. And doing it well. They're currently on tour with Lenny Kravitz.

I'm glad. I am in a happy place again, all these years later. Bopping around with my breakdancing wannabe 8 year old and blossoming 3 year old popper. With the occasional 80's dance saved for the Man. And for that I am very, very thankful.

Wishing everyone celebrating this weekend, a wonderful Thanksgiving with your family and friends.

To the first man in my life...

Today is the birthday of a very special man.

He was born in a land far away. China. You may have heard of it.

Only the China that he knew wasn't the grandiose display we've seen just this past summer. He was poor. He lived with his mother and older brother in a small village; he worked in the rice fields. His father and much older adult brother were in Canada. But he wasn't allowed into this country for years because of the discriminatory immigration policies. He didn't even meet his father until he was 10 years old.

When the powers that be finally changed the rules to allow families to join the husbands in Canada, he boarded the huge ship with his mother. His older brother had fallen ill and didn't survive to make the trip. The youngest son doesn't talk about this older brother much, other than sharing tidbits of stories of the sacrifices that were made in order to keep the youngest fed and warm.

The trip across the ocean was liberating for the young boy. He had to remember that he was to tell people he was a year younger if asked. Or they couldn't have made the fare to cross the seas. His mother was seasick the entire time and spent much of the trip in her room. So the boy passed his days playing with a Japanese boy of similar age. They didn't speak each others' language, but the language of play is universal.

They settled in Montreal. As far as he remembers, he was the youngest Chinese boy in Chinatown so most adults in the small Chinese community knew him. He was also the oldest boy in kindergarten, but he didn't mind the attention that the teacher paid to him. He was a small, skinny thing.

He caught up quickly; he finished highschool at the appropriate age, and got into the prestigous university. The first of the family to do so. He worked all through school, in the family restaurant business. (To this day, he is the uber chef of the family...you should see how he can serve it up with all the utensils. He makes a mean shrimp and black bean sauce.)

He had to continue to work. After all, he had to fend for the family. A little sister had come into the picture when he was about 14; but he lost his father to a stroke before the young man finished university.

The picture got rosier. He met a pretty young nurse, courted her (in English, as ironically they spoke different dialects of Cantonese at the time) and eventually they married. All the while he still took care of his mother and young sister; and became a much respected uncle to the growing number of nieces and nephews. And the couple started their own young family. By having me.

*****

This was a huge birthday year for him, a day usually shared at a huge feast with all friends, family and associates. All would gather for a multi-course banquet to celebrate the milestone. For years we thought he'd want that. But when it came down to us planning it, he insisted that all he wanted a small, intimate celebration. So that is what we had, a lovely 10 course meal with his wife, his children and their spouses, his grandchildren, his sister and brother-in-law and wife.

From what I could tell, he enjoyed the evening. You never really know with him. He certainly loved having his grandkids around, even with the craziness of two 14-month olds, and an every-so-often bickering pair of siblings(courtesy of me). He is a bit of an enigma, this man. He's funny, witty, but often quiet and introspective. I've known him all my life, but there are still parts of him that I know I will never really understand.

But that's okay. Because the parts of himself that he does share with us, the love that he undoubtedly feels for all of his kids, and now is sharing so much more overtly with his beloved grandchildren. The advice, wisdom and support he has continually given each and every one of us. Well, those parts of him just shine.

*****

Happy 70th Birthday Dad. I hope you know how loved you are.

Happy Birthday to the Mui*

Today's a special day. It's the birthday of My Sister. (I liked the song; the lyrics, however, actually would be more likely her singing about me - she's the sweet one, me the acerbic).

I don't post much about my little sister. Not because there's nothing to post about - there most certainly is. Tons. But she is quite the private person, and I respect that.

However, it's getting harder and harder for her to be so private, given her recent professional successes. On top of various accolades that she's received in the last few years in her field of design, she was recently one of the women featured in Toronto's Mille Femmes exhibit as part of the Luminato festival in June.

One of "1,000 artistic, creative and inspiring women from Toronto and their protégés, who embody the passion and heritage of the city."

Yeah, that's her standing under her photo; and the one word she chose to describe herself , "OPTIMISTIC" is perfect. We visited the exhibit after the Father's Day brunch we had as a family in the Richtree restaurant.

Growing up she was a spitfire; and so very driven. Sometimes it's hard to believe she's the same little girl who I considered pesky at one time, who worshipped everything her older sister did. We were and are so very different, but also extremely close. I ended up admiring her adventurous spirit, as she travelled around the globe to pursue her studies and further fine-tune her craft in Europe. But I was ecstatic when she came back home once I had my boy. The pull of family was still strong for her.

To say that I am proud of her is such an understatement. When she told me about this exhibit, I almost jumped out of my seat. She'd just been so busy, she hadn't had time to tell the family, but did want to share it before the exhibit came down! A part of me has just been screaming to post this for the longest while, to shout out to the world how amazingly talented she is.

She's designing buildings and state-of-the-art interiors. Whereas, moi? I can barely draw a straight line (just ask her- I volunteered to help her out during an all nighter in design school and she had to send me home...).

Architect, designer, mother of a very busy almost 1 year old, wife, mentor ... she's covering it all. Astonishingly well. I honestly do not know how she does it, and always with a smile on her beautiful face. All the while thinking about everyone ELSE.

She is making a difference in the artistic landscape of this city.

And this is just the beginning. I bet she'll be taking on the world soon enough.

So here she is again, featured in the "Making of ..." video; you'll catch her at about the 5:12 mark.

Happy Birthday Sis!

*little sister in Cantonese. She thought she'd lose that pet name once little G was born; but no, she's still stuck with it. Because she's the original.

Haiku Friday - Family Vacay

Yup I've been away
Five days in Vancouver sun
Third year in a row

Kids love this city
And all it has to offer
Plus gorgeous weather

And we had such fun
Saw new things this time around
Pics and the story...

Sequoia Grill lunch
Stanley Park in its glory
Beaches and ice cream

Jazz Fest in the Park
Lemonade and Cerveza
Music to the ears

Cactus Club Cafe
Canadian Iron Chef
with Me and the Boy

Mini haiku - Boy's shirt
(Eurocup Soccer
This is the year of red Spain
Germany is sad)

Grouse Mountain top views
Lumberjack show and wet T's
On the guys, I mean

Grizzly bears playing
in natural habitat
Birds in Motion, too






Metropolitan
Hotel we're just so spoiled
Suite deal was perfect

Swimming was a hit
A must-have when you have kids
Family time rocks

Diva at the Met
Great food but a tad pricey
Okay for a treat

Cool Kitsilano
Sophie's Cosmic Cafe lunch
Great food, and Elvis



Canada Day sweet
Hyperactive here we come
But who can resist?


Nitobe Garden
Beautiful memorial
Even boy felt zen


Robson street dinner
Upstairs at Earl's with cousin
Girl slept, boy ate -- nice

Robson street shopping
Plenty, Lulu, Shifeon
Cannot stop the shop

Art Gallery show
Anime, cartoons, vid-games
Souvenirs galore

Lunch at the cafe
White wine, Orange crush and milk
Wonderful last day


Only one hitch though
Visit and notice was short
Next should be longer

To meet new blogpals
Cool Women of the west coast
So I WILL be back

Vive la Montreal and St. Laurent Street Fashion

Last weekend we travelled to Montreal by train for our yearly reunion/ pilgrimage up to Mount Royal cemetary. Only this time it was a little more fun because we were joined by my cutie nieces (and their parents and MY parents; but the kids are so much cuter than the adults and will be displayed prominently here:)

My rugrats entertaining cousin J:

Cuddling versus fighting (always a good thing)

So this is my grandparents' gravesite. We've been coming here (almost) every year since I was born. Candles were lit; fresh flowers were planted, and if you look closely at the bottom right of the photo, you can see the lovely spread that was set out for the "meal". Chicken, dim sum yummies, butter rolls that you can only buy in Montreal (at least as far as I know).


Here's a better picture of the feast. Symbolic paper money and pyjamas were burned as an offering to the grandparents (see lower left corner). They have to be dressed in their finest, don't you know. I am sure they're proud of their granddaughter.

You'll notice everything is in "3's" - a good luck number in Chinese. And yes, there is booze there (although I did not imbibe; it's poured into the earth for my grandparents).


We had a lovely dinner with whichever cousins could make it that evening. My cousins in Montreal are a little older than I am (their kids are in university or working; there are at least 10 years between my father and his siblings on either side which makes for interesting generational dynamics).

The next day, we headed out for a walk along St. Laurent and Prince Arthur. It was such a lovely summer day, and while the boy went off with his Dad to check out a video game tent, my sister and I (and her husband) did more walking. Luckily for me, the girlie's uncle kept her entertained with the face-painting and balloons available for the kids...



Because there was shopping to be had. Check what I found in the 3 for $10 bin:


And if I get sick of the belt, I can always use it as a macrame plantholder (according to my brother-in-law).

So that steal left me with change to pick up this...



...and these funky tube tops. (I have nothing to hold them up with, but they're pretty anyway.)

We had a fairly uneventful train ride home that evening (well, except for when the girlie got so busy playing with her cousins that she forgot to tell us that she had to go pee until it was too late. Big brother got a nice shower on his Globo shoes).

And my old ovaries were screaming...

But, no, I'll be leaving the business of babymaking to my siblings from here on in!

From your Firsts...

Happy Father's Day from your first little daughter ...

Chubby chuckles from your first grandchild, your grandson ...

and even happier, giggly wishes from your first little granddaughter ...

We love you Dad / Grandpa !!!!

Weekly Winners # 25

This week a couple of photos from my lovely SIL who hosted a BBQ at her place last weekend ...

... complete with pinata (carry a long stick, boy...)

Now back at home ... whistle in the wind...

Spring showers...

Spring babies in the garden? Me thinks so ... perfect place for a nest... here is Mama bunny.

For other Weekly Winners check out the home of Sarcastic Mom

Weekly Winners #24

A View from the G-cam (Fisher Price model)

My Mommy

My Daddy


My Brother


My Backpack


My Grandma and Grandpa's house


Still Life - my Daddy's dinner

For better Weekly Winners check out the home of Sarcastic Mom