Sorry

As I get older and wiser, self-awareness has provided me the ability to admit that I'm not all that perfect. Not that I was always so self-assured and confident. Very far from that. But somewhere along the line, I started believing all those encouraging words that my parents were telling me about being strong, smart, and - as I become more like my mother - ALWAYS right.

There were hints of this as a young child. Let's take a peek at a little vignette of when I was about 6 years old, playing that classic Hasbro Game :"SORRY" with a few older kids...

"Karen, you picked that card, lucky you! Now you can take anyone else's guy and put yours there!"

Gee, this was fun. I could actually win over these big kids!

"Okay, now that you moved your guy, you have to say "SORRY" really loudly!!"

I thought, uh, I don't think so. Why should I say sorry? I didn't do anything wrong. I picked the sorry card and made the necessary move. It was part of the game.

So I said, "No. I'm not going to say sorry."

They all looked at each other and then the eldest said,

"But you have to Karen, it's in the rules." (*I just checked of course, and it isn't - almost 40 years later and it still smarts!)

I shook my head. No way was I going to say "SORRY" for doing everything right.

So they all started chanting "SOR-RY, SOR-RY, SOR-RY!!!!!!"

And I started to bawl.

I never did say sorry.

A tragic tale. To this day, it remains very hard for me to say I'm sorry.

*****

So the point of this story? Turns out my son has been a lunch monitor since the school year started. And apparently he rocks at it... so much so that when he mentioned that he might not continue into the next term, the Grade 2 class wrote him a bunch of "Thank You" cards.

Only they weren't so much 'Thank you" as "Sorry" cards (as in "Sorry I was loud", "Sorry I was bad", "Sorry I didn't listen")

I wouldn't have believed it if I didn't see it for myself.

I guess there is hope for the next generation.

****

A Denouement:

I recounted my "sorry" boardgame tale to my brother and sister-in-law about a week before the holidays. My brother, being more than a few years younger than me, wasn't yet around to witness my traumatic experience firsthand. They were so enamoured with my story that for Christmas, lo and behold, they gave our family this...

Thanks little bro. You're so awesome.

Friday Fragments - What I am is what I am

and what I am is a SOCCER MOM!!!!

(And I thought I was flashy... I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Those are pretty sick, aren't they? And well deserved, after all he's now officially in the rep league. He's gotta glow.)

The soccer DAD is over the moon. We're waving goodbye to our weekends and anticipate some touring, but this is exciting for us. Something new, right?

The biggest thing about this? The boy wanted it. He worked for it.

And he made it.

My baby is no longer a baby.

*****

Does this song not make you just wanna break out and DANCE?



At the wedding a couple of weeks ago, I was so ready to hit the dance floor and party. After all, I wasn't driving and the DJ was fantastic! But alas, it's difficult to get into the party mood when you've got a tired 5 year old and 10 year old wanting to get back to the hotel, wedding'd out after 5 hours.

I need to find a dance floor.

*****

In useless celebrity information, is anyone else shocked that Nancy Wilson and Cameron Crowe are getting a divorce? I'm still gobsmacked because I didn't even KNOW they were MARRIED!!!! For over 20 years, no less!

I loved Heart when I was a kid (a baby, really - and honestly still do) and although I was mesmerized by Dreamboat Annie's unbelievable rock voice, I was in awe of Nancy's high kicks while she whipped her guitar around. The blonde Wilson sister - can she ever play guitar. (So many links, I know - remember, I still love them....)

Married to Cameron "Say Anything-Almost Famous" Crowe. And now divorcing. So sad.

I used to be on top of these things. My family would call me Ms. Entertainment Tonight. As a teen I could list any trivial celebrity gossip- who was married to whom, who was starring in which movie, who was dating the sister-in-law twice removed from the director.... that sorta thing. I could have out Perezed Perez.

I guess I've just lost my touch.

******

Speaking of talented young women, for those of you who caught Glee this week, were you not amazed at the triple threat that is Heather Morris? She out-Britneyed Britney, as far as I'm concerned. I've honestly never been a great fan of Britney. After Tuesday's episode, I've got to admit the songs are pretty catchy, if a bit overtly sexual.

And yowza on the guest appearance of John Stamos. I wasn't a big fan of Uncle Jesse either.

But now I'm beyond a total Gleek.

*****

Two weeks from now I will hit a semi-milestone birthday. Smack dab between 40 and 50. I don't know why, but for some reason this is hitting me more than turning 40 was. Perhaps it has something to do with the advancing grey hairs and sore knees after my workouts.

Oh to be young again. I'll just have to remember to take my Tylenol with me to the gym tomorrow.

Peace out.

*****

Don't forget to check out the home of glorious Fragments( Mrs. 4444)

I just sat down and I can't get up

When packing up his school bag this morning, the boy took out a piece of paper ..

Boy: "Hey, Mom. I need you to sign this permission sheet. I should bring it back today."

Me: "Oh, what's it for?"

Boy: "It's for the cross-country team. I'm going to have to be at school every morning at 8 AM on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Starts tomorrow. It's gonna be great!"

Me: "Uhhhhhmmm, o-kay. You do know that we're going to the rep soccer practice tonight, right?"

Boy: "Oh yeah. But that's at night, so I can so do this in the morning."

Me: "I guess we'll just have to get you to school and then I can bring G back and wait with her for the schoolbus at the regular time then ..." (by the time I get to the school and back the bus should be just about coming by to get her ...I'm so logical, it astounds me).

Boy: "Yeah!!!!" Enthusiastic? An understatement.

It was 8:30 AM. I was already tired.

*****

So here I am, almost 11 PM. I've got this meme-ish thing in mind, as for some reason I thought it was Thursday. It seems like it's been 48 hours since this morning. These are 13 things that I did today - after work.

1. Took the boy to the orthodontist. He got his braces off today - yay!!! Now he just needs a retainer to keep everything in place until his eye teeth grow in say in about 2 years... and the payments will keep on paying until the bigger payments start again.

2. Shopped for an outfit for the boy for the family wedding we're going to on the weekend. Three shops, in half an hour, in heels that were killing me.

3. Dealt with the girlie wanting to buy mittens to add to her mitten collection at home. Couldn't find a tissue for the tears when I said no.

4. Bought a wedding card.

5. Dealt with the girlie wanting to buy a stuffed animal in the card store. Still couldn't find a tissue.

6. Picked the boy up again after his appointment and brought him to all the stores again to try things on. Waited in a super long line at the Gap because it was 40% off day.

7. Got the kids home, popped a quiche in the oven.

8. Made sure the boy finished his homework while I unloaded all the lunch bags. Tried to get them to eat quickly so we wouldn't be too late for soccer practice.

9. Packed the girl's dinner as she wasn't hungry. Packed dessert and water for the kids as I hurried the boy to get in his soccer uniform. Packed the chairs into the minivan, and my computer for work to complete the memo I'd started earlier in the day.

10. Drove to soccer practice, set up the chairs, the DVD player, and patted myself on the back that I'd remembered to grab jackets for myself and the girlie.

11. Watched the boy play for 1.5 hours, at a level that I'd never seen him play before. Watched the girlie play with another little girl at the playround, didn't notice her fall and clip her chin on the balance beam, looked at the girlie in surprise that she DIDN'T cry over something that would be totally bruised. Fought with the mosquitoes hovering around my head.

So did NOT get to the work memo.

12. Drove home with the kids, and en route picked up my Pampered chef order from my girlfriend's.

13. (and then some). Ran a bath for the boy, got the girlie cleaned up, warmed up the boy's second dinner, let him watch the rest of America's Got Talent; vacuumed because the dust bunnies finally got the best of me, did the dishes, made the kids' lunches for tomorrow, got them into bed...

And now for the rest of the evening, I have to finish that memo and e:mail it to my group in preparation for a meeting with my boss tomorrow.

Please tell me you're as exhausted as I am. It would make me feel just a tad better.

*****

There is a colossal bottle of wine sitting in my fridge, and I am so tempted to drink it. After all, it goes so well with sandwich crust, doesn't it? Yes, I admit, I am a human garburator much like my Mom was when I was little. The kids don't eat crust and technically neither did I. Until I became a Mom.

Unfortunately there is still work to do. Alcohol will not help at this late hour.

Despite all my complaining, whining, bitching about how tired I am...I know that my Mom did all this and more for me when I was a kid. So many lessons, so little time ... but I was enriched. I look back at my childhood and I used to think that I missed out on so much, not having enough free play time, being so scheduled. But now as a Mom, I appreciate it. A lot.

Seeing the look on the boy's face after practice, hearing him shout for me to ask if it was okay to go to practice again tomorrow night... yes, he wants to do it again...reminded me that this was what I had signed up for.

When we decided to have a family, it was always our intent to let our kids try anything they wanted to (that was legal and within reason, of course). And now that they're asking, yearning to learn and to try new things, we've got to do it. Because despite all of the "what about me" that strikes me every so often, I have to remind myself that, this, this IS what I wanted. This is what We wanted. IT IS all about the kids.

They will only be kids for so long. And as exhausting as it can be and believe you me, it is ( because I really am getting too old for this) ... this is the time to cherish it, the newness of experiences, the thrill of sport, the fun through their eyes. I know this is just the tip of the iceberg, that more fun awaits us as they get older, and each become their own person. But honestly, they're a sure-fire investment.

For I also know that in 20, maybe 30 years from now, they too, will appreciate it.

And the ROI will be just awesome.

Friday Fragments - I need a Bruno Wig#

Check out my girlfriend's place for Friday Fragging( Mrs. 4444)

*****

"If you've ever wondered whether you made a difference in someone's life, consider this as one time that you have".

Wow. I guess things are going pretty well for me at work. And I am so humbled.

*****

As I was driving out of the parking garage last night, I spotted a fellow walking to his car. There was something in his gait, his profile, the way he wore his hair, that was so familiar. He looked a lot like a good friend of mine from highschool and university, who I hadn't seen in over 10 years. Curiosity got the better of me, so I slowed down my oh-so-sexy minivan and with a smile on my face, peered at him as he turned to face me (he must have felt my eyes drilling into the back of his head) ... and of course it was SO NOT him!!!!

Gahhh!!!

So I put the pedal to the metal and I shot out of the garage like a bat out of hell.

Wonderful. Now he thinks he's got this old lady Asian cougar who will stalk him every night.

Yay me.

*****

My boy announced last week that he wants to try out for competitive soccer. Which is actually great news - I mean, at this point, if he shows a passion or enthusiasm for anything, I should be thrilled right?

Looking at the schedule though, we've found out that the time commitment is incredible. We're talking a minimum two to three 2 hour practices a week, plus 2 league games a week. FIVE days a week? When would he do homework? When would the girlie have time for her activities? When would we have a life?

I want to encourage him, and certainly the man does too, but with hubs' work and travel schedule, and with me working full time and likely traveling to Europe four times a year, how can we deal? Or more likely, how will I deal - because this will fall on me. That's the way it is, that's the reality.

I'm the one close to home.

I'm the one who does the scheduling, the pickups, the schlepping...and I'm freakin' out a bit at the prospect.

If I were a SAHM of course, this would be a non-issue.

Shit.

I'm such a selfish thing.

We can't discourage him, though. I guess we'll have to see how he does, and take it from there.

If he's good and he loves it, we will manage.

*****

How was the first week of school for everyone? For my Grade 1 (full-time school-ager now, don'tcha know) girlie, the first day was "awesome". Her teacher is young, pretty and nice. You don't need much more criteria than that! The Grade 5-er was thrilled that he's got his best pals (well, with the exception of a best bud that moved to Switzerland now) in his class. And his teacher does not believe in full class punishment if one or two bad apples spoil things. Which was a huge deal for him last year (and something I was actually pretty pissed about myself, but never got around to raising with that teacher before the year ended-- my bad ...)

So far, so good.

For Mom, well, there's the adjustment of having to make double the number of lunches and snacks. But at least both sandwiches were gobbled up every day.

*****

I've been wanting to get to the Gap for weeks now, ever since I noticed the line of "perfect black pants" that hit the magazine stands in August. And since I'd bought up pretty much every major fashion magazine in August, I was totally suckered in by the advertising.

Today I managed to get there, while I was having my car emission-tested.

And lo and behold, they were on sale for $25 off!!!!

Even better, I took sizes 4 and 6 into the change room with me, thinking that this was, well, wishful thinking.

Can you believe that I was swimming in the size 4?

What up with that???

The sales girl walked by and said, "Oh boy, those are way big for you. You need to go down a size. What do you have there, a 4? I'll pick you up a 2..."

And off she went.

A TWO???? The last time I was a two, I think I was 12 years old.

Something is definitely up with the sizing these days.

But who the hell cares.

I'm a frickin' size TWO!

I love the GAP.

*****

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

#PS. I know the title of this post is totally nonsensical, but yeah, the hubs bought one for some reason, and it would likely serve me well now with my underground parking situation and all...

A 10 year old wants to FB friend me and other freaky Friday Fragments

(say hi to my Pal Mrs 4444 while you're there)
I'm likely one of only a handful of Canadians who has to go into work today, in middle of the Canada Day long weekend. I've been trying to take the shine off the "L" on my forehead. Needless to say, I don't have a lot of time to scratch these fragments out . You can call this pseudo dedication to this long neglected blog.

*****

Despite my reservations about letting my boy baby (humour me) have Facebook, it's happened. His best friend is moving out of the country, and this is the sole method of keeping that relationship alive. He struck this deal with his father, of course. It just does NOT cut it that his mom is FB friends with his friend's Mom, uh, sorry, that doesn't count. Nor does regular e:mail, or the fact that he's got Xbox interactive (also a deal he struck with his Dad).

Within 24 hours of signing on, he had 63 friends. It took his Mom 24 months to accomplish the same.

Now I'm sitting with 11 new friend requests from the under 10 set. Dilemma.

*****

More boy news: the little girl who technically asked the boy out on his first date via post-it (a little mini SJP situation in reverse?) has invited him to see yet another movie, this time under the guise of a birthday party. He really wants to go because he really wants to see the movie, and guess what, she's conveniently also invited his best friend (male) to the party. Oh I know it's all fun and innocent, and it will be a matinee ... but I'm all about conspiracy theories. I think I may have to admit - there is a little twinkle in his eye when he talks about her, and he did hang out with her at the recent community BBQ a couple of weeks ago. She's a cutie.

Help. Me. I am so NOT ready for this.

*****

Speaking of dates, one week from now, DATE NIGHT!!!!

I am so excited.

We are going to see a concert - you know, that's our "thing".




Cannot wait. Squeeing as I type.

What to wear? Another dilemma.

But one I think I can handle. Shopping anyone?

*****

And I must add this. I love Alex Wong. He's cute, humble, Asian, Canadian ... and dancing genius. He's the only Canadian who's ever won the coveted Prix de Lausanne.

He's killing it on this seasons' SYTCD.

Check this ballet dancer out here.

*****

A shout out to my Canadian and American friends for the long weekend, and a great "regular" weekend to the rest of my bloggy peeps!

The longest jump

Mom offered to take photos of the Boy at the track meet. I would have preferred that she took videos, but was afraid that she would get confused and we'd end up with one long running video clip of the lawn. So the following is what happens when I try to preset my camera to the "camera" versus the "video" function.



Catch that?

I end up setting it on video anyway. We've got about ten shots of him landing. *snort* . He finished 7th out of 18 of the region. Tyke class. Too cute. And we're so very proud of him.

And it keeps getting better ...

Note from school:

"Congratulations on your child making it to the REGIONAL Track and Field Competition Finals! Please note that he/she can only attend if a parent transports and supervises their child for the time that they are there. He/she cannot attend otherwise."

In other words, "Great, after your kid did such a fantastic job representing the school by placing second at the AREA events, now that he excelled even more, being amongst only a handful of kids from hundreds to place that well, if you can't bring him to the next level of competition, you will kill his dreams and guess what, as a parent YOU SUCK!!"

The note arrived home in the backpack with much fanfare from the boy, only days before the regional event was scheduled to take place. And we only found out about the area competition the week before.

Guess who's overseas on business all week? Guess who is at home, but hosting a meeting with international visitors, which has been on the books for four months?

Yeah, we suck. And my boy was in tears. As was his Mom, her heart breaking inside.

A year ago she would have been able to be there, cheering him on.

Today, it sucketh.

*****

Oh I know, I'm just as melodramatic as my kid. Arrangements are being made, because we want to make this happen for the boy. Even if we can't be there, we want him to be. It's his shining moment.

As a 10 year old starting to show signs of the apathetic teen years ahead, glimpses of the little kid in him these days are starting to be fewer and further between. When talking about the track events though, his face just lights up. His eyes shine with excitement as he tells us how well he did. He was up at 6 AM the day of the AREA meet - even though we couldn't make that event, he was still determined to do his best and make us proud. Not that he needs to do anything more than just be our son - we're pretty darned proud of him regardless, but he's driven. And disappointed that we won't be seeing him at the meet.

I keep telling him that this won't be the only time he'll make the finals. At the rate he's going he's likely going to qualify every year.

But it's not the same - this is the first time. And it will be the first time in a long, five years long time, that I haven't been there for a first.

Double Digits

"What a relief, I was getting tired of being a single digit!"

Someone hit a decade old today. He's absolutely thrilled.

A special little someone who totally changed my life ten years ago.



A special someone who is not so little anymore.



The first person in the world to ever call me "Mommy".

Happy birthday, my boy wonder.

Postcards from the minivan and other fragments

Why yes, I'm still here, and I present to you my first February Friday Fragments edition. Say that fast five times. Please do also visit my blog gal pal Mrs. 4444 at the home of Friday Fragments.

*****

Thanks for all the lovely comments on my last post. We did have a nice family get together - I can't say it's been exactly easy, but we are dealing. It's great to know that I have so many friends out there in the blogosphere - your support is a big part of my healing process.

*****

Do you know when you really start feeling old? It's when your 9 year old starts teasing you.

I've got a 9 year old going on 30.

I'll be the first to admit that I've got some issues once I'm behind the wheel. I've worked on it a lot over the years, and I actually consider myself a pretty good driver these days, a few four letter words notwithstanding. I'm not the most patient driver, to say the least. And often I'll forget that I've got minors with big ears in the back seat.

On one of my regular "why the heck am I always late even when I get started half an hour earlier" days of lessons and errands, I had the misfortune of being behind a car in the left lane, going at about 40 km/h in a 60 zone. I don't normally like to pass on the right, but this was getting a bit ridiculous, so I signalled to go to the right...only to have this car in front drift toward the right lane but not into it. Okay then, perfect, I could pass now. But wait, no, not just yet because this doofus has decided to drift back into the left lane. Straddling, I think is what you'd call it. Hmphhhhh!!!

"Pick a lane, any lane, and then get outta my life!" I muttered under my breath.

Eventually the driver did, but not until a couple of lights later when he made right turn. Geez. Finally.

While I breathed a sigh of relief, the boy behind me growled,

"GETOUTTAMAHLIFE, GETOUTTAMAHLIFE!!!!!!" with a giggle.

Great. Way to give your 9 year old a teenage primer.

*****

The other day as I was driving the kids (yes, again), I thought I'd make some conversation with the boy. (The girlie was sitting and humming along to the top 40 hits on the radio, not really in the mood to chat -unusual, yes, for a 5 year old).

" You've probably got the oldest mom of all your friends. I think a lot of them are just turning 40 this year, or a couple of years from now. What do you think of that?" I asked him.

He paused for a minute, and then said, "Think of it this way, Mom. It's good to have younger friends, because when you get old, they can take care of you!"

Good answer, but I had to clarify:

"Well, that's not exactly true. That's YOURS and your sister's job"

"Oh yeah you're right! Darn!"

*****

Have you seen Jersey Boys yet?

If not, you must. Just do it. Go.

This is coming from an alt-girl who used to dye her hair midnight blue and wear checkered skin tight leggings and Docs in university.

Yes, that was me hootin' and hollerin' during the standing ovation.

It's THAT good.

And I'm getting THAT old.

*****

I guess you've noticed that I haven't been around these parts very much lately. It's been hard to be as committed to this blog. The situation is so different for me now, with work travel not just for my husband but for me as well. Single parenting, to a certain extent. Some days I don't know if I'm coming or going. It's a good thing we already have our kids because with us two ships passing in the night as we have been for the past few weeks and for the foreseeable future ...well, it wouldn't be happening. Even if we were young enough to still contemplate it.

I've lost a bit of passion for this. It's not the same for me anymore. This time last year I was so looking forward to BlogHer Chicago, and after the fantastic July with my bloggy peeps, I was looking forward to summer 2010 in NYC with a major vengeance.

But today, I'm just not sure. I suppose it's because time with my family is so much more limited now. I no longer feel that I need the time for "just me"...although ironically I probably need it more than ever before. A girls' weekend (mind you with 1000 girlfriends) in Manhattan ... it is still attractive. That is, if there are any tickets left. Things that make you go "hmmm..."

Approaching the One-Oh

I was looking at an old blog post of mine this morning. A post (when I actually had more readers) that I'd written about infertility, and wanting baby #2...and it brought us back 8 years and to bad outfits in San Fran ... but I digress. It brought me back to my little cherub.

As we approach 2010, I realize that it will be the year that my baby boy turns 10.

No longer baby, all boy, and approaching young manhood. He loves playing soccer, he loves playing tennis, he snowboards, he break dances, he wears a cool toque, a checked shirt, tartan-lined hoodie, skinny jeans with holes at the knees and his high top Converse ... all this at an age when I was getting my first blackheads. And he's incredibly sweet and good-natured (when he's done his daily harassment of his younger sister ritual).

"How many girls in your class hate you now?" I asked him this morning as I plated his breakfast (and by plated, in case you think I'm getting fancy, I mean, slopped his omelette on...).

"Uh, pretty much all of them."

Which in real terms means that we're in big trouble come Valentine's Day.

My kind of playdate

The kids were off school yesterday, and I took a vacation day to spend time with them My daughter passed on the opportunity- she opted to spend the day with her best friend. But my boy, he wanted some quality time with his Mom.

We went for a sushi lunch, and then caught the matinee showing of "This is It".

If you haven't seen it yet, even if you're not an MJ fan... you should see it. This was just his rehearsal. His concert tour would have been out of this world.

My favourite part? Watching my son's eyes fixated on the screen, with excitement and awe as Michael Jackson danced, sang and slid across the huge stage in front of us. His most favourite MJ song now? "Smooth Criminal", because MJ played a mean gangster.

We've now got moonwalking practice as a regular after school activity in the hallway. Now if I could only perfect the move where my boy slides and balances on his toes. Who am I kidding - I can't even try!

Musical Musings Part 2

Celebration, Madonna's new single, was playing on the radio.

"How old is Madonna, Mom?", asked the boy from the backseat. At least he knows she's still alive.

"I think she's 51 this year. She's got four kids, I think the youngest are babies she adopted from Malawi."

"Wow, they're lucky kids! And can you imagine, when they're teenagers their Mom will be in her 60's!!!"

"Well, Madonna isn't your average 51 year old. She'll probably look like she's forty-something when she's that age."

"Yeah, probably. Do you think she's had plastic surgery?"

"I'd say she likely has, but it's very subtle."

"Yeah. Not so obvious. I mean, look at Joan Rivers. She's definitely got buttocks on HER face!"

I almost drove off the road.

Musical Musings

Music has always been a large part of my relationship with my husband. I think of it sometimes as likely the only interest we really had in common when we'd first started dating. Well, that and beer.

It was the 80's, and we were both religious listeners of 102.1, CFNY radio, which is now called "The Edge". A station where they'd play the likes of U2 (when they were young and edgier), the Alarm, the Cure, the Cult, the Smiths, Depeche Mode, Japan, Canadian content (Blue Peter, Images in Vogue, wow, now we're talking ancient)... all the usual suspects. When the content changed in the 1990's following the grunge and newer punkish movement (Nirvana, early Green Day, Pearl Jam, etc...) we were there.

So it's not so much of a surprise that our kids love music, and the boy has even taken over my iPod. Truth be told, it was never really mine. He's loaded it up with all sorts of Hip Hop, rap, top 40s poppy/rock like Nickelback. I think it's hilarious sometimes when we're on the road especially on long trips, and he pays attention to our flipping on the radio. If we land on classic rock, or something that doesn't sound like today's flavour he'll ask who it is. And then he'll ask whether they're dead. I guess that's how old he thinks we are.

While the Edge is still more geared to those under 30, I still keep it pre-programmed in my van. They're the only station that I've heard play anything by Metric, so I'm still sold. Yesterday, we're in the car and I've got it on The Edge, and the Red Hot Chili Peppers come on. After a little while, the boy says,

"Mom can you switch this? This is so bad, I mean who LIKES this stuff?".

"Actually, they're the Red Hot Chili Peppers and a lot of people really like them. They were really popular in the 80's and 90's."

"Really? Cuz they're horrible. I mean, it's annoying and reminds me of Yo Gabba Gabba - 'In my tummy - in my tummy - party -party- there's a party in my tummy....!" Oh. My. Gawd!!!!!".

Yes, he's fairly dramatic.

I've never been the biggest fan of the Chili Peppers.

Now I think I know why.

The butterfly effect

... a phrase that encapsulates the more technical notion of sensitive dependence on initial conditions in chaos theory. Small variations of the initial condition of a dynamical system may produce large variations in the long term behavior of the system. ... - Wikipedia

My boy woke up with a "severe" stomach ache on Monday morning. An ailment that I was expecting, as it was coincident with his first day of swimming lessons. It's something that I've become accustomed to. Firsts. Nerves will do it to him every time. Even though he is an amazing swimmer for his age, he has doubts about his abilities, and the nerves are bad enough that they manifest into a physical ache for him. It has resulted in screaming matches, crying fits, and outright defiance. Despite the fact that underneath it all, he knows he can do it.

This time, I was prepared with my pep talk. As I rubbed his back during his refusal to get out of bed, I told him how confident I was of him. I mentioned that it was just fine to be nervous, even though there wasn't anything he needed to worry about. It was normal that he was fearful of the unknown.

"What if the instructor's mean?"

"Well, I highly doubt he/she will be mean. All your instructors to date have been great teenagers..."

"But Mom, I can't keep a five pound brick up while treading for two minutes! It's so heavy! I haven't had swimming lessons for six months!"

"Well, they won't necessarily make you do that on the first day, they'll work you up to it. Don't worry, Mom and G will be watching and if you really can't handle it, just let the teacher know and I'll come get you. You can tell your teacher you haven't swam in six months and that you're rusty...did you want Mom to tell them?"

"No, don't you tell them, NOOOOO, don't!"

"I won't then. But no worries, even if you don't pass this time you've got four years to do it before you go onto the next level anyway. Give it a try, okay? It's just important that you keep your skills up, swimming is very important. And you can do it."

"Okay Mom."

My brave boy then combatted his fears, and tamed the butterflies that were wreaking havoc on his insides. He got out of bed and got ready for his lessons.

Later on at the pool, I saw him disappear into the water and resurface, dark goggles and teeth shining as he grinned from ear to ear. He was in fine form.

*****

Over the last three weeks I've been enjoying some wonderful family time. An escape from a decision that has the potential to be lifestyle altering. Since I've been home, I've been living with some butterflies of my own. Knowing that I just had to push a button to release from "pause", the process toward becoming a full-time career mom.

As I sent the e:mail to my friend the head hunter, to notify him of my return to reality, it felt like I was flapping my own little butterfly wing.

Who knows what will happen next? I can only hope that it will be a positive turning point in my life, our lives. And that this forward motion will be toward some good chaos.

Can chaos be good?

Again, one can hope.

So now what do we do?

My kids get away with a lot. They're good kids, but they know how to work the system.

Take my daughter, for example. She's four AND A HALF now, she's quick to point out. And she just graduated from junior kindergarten. In September she'll be a "senior".

But get this; she has her own room, complete with her own pretty bed...which she hasn't slept in since she was three.

Where has she been sleeping, pray tell?

Why, in her Mom and Dad's room, on the couch next to their bed. Mommy and Daddy need T-shirts with "LOSERS" blazoned across them.

How did this happen? Well, she used to go to bed pronto right a 8 PM, we'd tuck her in with her stuffed guys, give her a kiss good night, and she'd be good. No drama for the night.

But she started getting up in the middle of the night and crawling into bed with us. And then before we knew it, she was spending most of the night in bed with us... so our new rule was, get in the couch, if you're coming into our room.

Then somehow we ended up being too tired, and she weaseled her way into getting tucked into the couch right away, bypassing the whole bedroom ritual entirely. (I suspect it was the hubs that allowed this to happen on a night while I was out. Yeah, I blame him for everything, and this is no exception. No willpower against girls who have certain grown men wrapped around their cutie little fingers). And to be honest, there's something just too sweet about hearing your little girl's gentle breathing next to you.

It just became habit.

But this was ridiculous. It's just bad news to lose the sanctity of your own bedroom. It can't be good for a marriage. Bad enough that kids invade your entire consciousness, let alone your sub and then total unconsciousness.

She promised, though, that she would go back to her room, eventually. Before she was ten at least. Well, that argument didn't fly, so she deferred it to her sleepover with her baby cousin, which was two weekends ago. She slept in her room, with her cousin in the playpen beside her. Not a single hitch.

It was beautiful.

But guess what? She went right back to our couch the next day. Grrrrr. And I have little energy to fight.

So here comes my little hero.

"G, if I sleep next to you on the air mattress in your room, will you stay in your bed?."

"Yay, it will be like a sleepover. Yay Goh-Goh, I will, I will sleep there all the night if you're next to me!" she shouted with glee. Literally jumping up and down and clapping.

Her last words to me as she faded into sleep this past Monday were,

"Mommy, if Goh-Goh sleeps here with me forever, then it's okay, I'll sleep in my own bed."

And she did.

And she has every night now, since Monday.

With her big brother by her side.

I asked my boy on Tuesday if he wanted to go back to his room. He replied,

"Uh, no, not just yet. It's comforting hearing her next to me sleeping. It's okay Mommy. I'll let you know when I'm ready to go back."

Where did we get this kid?

And so his Mommy thanks him. And his Daddy too.

Because of him, we've got our bedroom back.

Not that we've got the energy to do anything with this new scenario, but it's the principle right?

Weekly Winners -I can't work this thing

The husband took my smaller Powershot with him on his trip to Copenhagen, and was so busy he had time to take but one photo. And it was raining all week.

But he did leave me his Canon Rebel SLR to use for photos, and it scared me.

So I didn't take any photos until yesterday, after he got back, when I realized that I needed to take a better shot of my boy for some cards that I'm making to take to BlogHer.

Neat camera, though.







I guess the hubs really does love me though cuz he bought me these...

(they're now hidden though, these Lady G's are MINE, MINE, all MINE!!!)

For more photo fun, check the home of Weekly Winners, chez Lotus.

Wordless Wednesday - Mraz much?

For more Wordless check it out here and here.

Know Your Enemy

"I decided to pass, Mom.", my boy said to me this morning, during our morning pre-get-out-of-bed period, before the little sister got up to create some drama for the day.

He had come home the other day mentioning that he was picked by his teacher to talk about what integrity was, and to do this with his friend Sally in front of his school. I was pumped for him, what mother wouldn't be? I told him he should be proud of the fact that his teacher selected him, and that she obviously thought he could perform well.

He was given a couple days to think about it, and I had tried to instill some confidence in him that he could do it. I guess I failed. He'd let the butterflies get the better of him and gave the task to another friend.

"Oh. When is the assembly?"

"It's later today in 5th period. I felt too nervous, though, and Mrs. Smith said it was okay."

"Well, I think you could have done it, you're so good at speaking, and you're a natural."

"But Mom, this would have been in front of the WHOLE SCHOOL. I could have handled it if it was just primary. But I would have had to say it in front of the primary, intermediate AND SENIORS! Mrs. Smith said it was fine; she said she was so nervous when she first started as a teacher she could barely face her first day in class. So I feel okay about it."

I suppose speaking in front of over 800 people would be intimidating. Even if he imagined they were all in their underwear. That made him laugh. How could he concentrate on his speech about integrity if he pictured everyone in their skivvies?

I had resisted the urge to do the mom pressure tactic, to push him to "seize the opportunity to shine."Something that is just inbred, I suppose. I remember being under the gun myself when I was just a little older than my boy, preparing my first speech with cue cards. The old tape recorder was turned on, and I was recorded by my mom, and my dad, as they coached me to remember each and every word, to speak with expression and enthusiasm. They knew I could do it too, but it doesn't mean that I wasn't shitting nickels the whole time I was performing.

But my boy's not comfortable with it this time. So I am fine with it.

It's not an earth-shattering opportunity. He would have shone like the beacon that he is. I'll just remain quietly proud of him. He'll gain more confidence. There will be other moments.

*****

Public speaking. It's probably a number one fear on most every list out there. Don't know what it is about that.

Why do we fear this? Why do we let our insecurities get the better of us? I'm probably the most guilty of that myself.

My own worst enemy.

Call it analysis paralysis. Afraid of failure.

So I did something a little earlier this year.

Y'all know that I'm going to BlogHer. Well, they have this thing called a community keynote. They'll choose from several hundreds of submissions and offer the chance to some bloggers to share their favourite posts. In front of, what, over 1,000 people?

I told my boy that I had made a couple of submissions. (Did not share that I was shitting nickels while I hit "send").

And that if Mommy were really, really lucky, she might even get chosen (super long shot, I know, but I was trying to make a lesson out of this). To be asked to speak in front of 1,000 people. Actually, to have ASKED to speak in front of 1,000, of my own volition.

And that if it happened, I would do it. I would also probably cry.

He was awestruck. And he's confident that I'll be picked (he's so sweet that way).

I don't know about that.

But there's a part of me that's hoping that I just might feel the need to wear special skivvies in six weeks' time.

You know, to catch those nickels.

*****


(Bought the CD. Can you say "Rock Opera". LOVE it.)

Nine

For one so small, you seem so strong
My arms will hold you, keep you safe and warm
This bond between us, can't be broken
I will be here, don't you cry

Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on, now and forever more...

(Phil Collins)

Mommy and baby fitness warmup.This was our favourite part of the workout.

You loved it as I lifted you high in the air to the swelling "you'll be in my heart"... as high as I could manage hoisting your little Buddha weight. And then lowering your giggling body as close to my chest as I could get you for a tight snuggle.

Nine years ago today, my world was changed. You brought it to a whole new level. Happy is not big enough a word to describe it.

You brought me motherhood.

We knew you were a special baby, a wonderful child.



And you're growing into such an exceptional young man.

There's a huge part of me that wants to keep you this young, lovable boy.

But there's an even bigger part of me that cannot wait to see you soar to unbelievable heights.

Knowing full well that you'll always, always come back to me for that tight snuggle.

Happy Birthday sweet child of mine.

Boy oh boy

I found this meme on Facebook. I've noticed a rather symbiotic relationship between blogging and Facebook in the last little while. I've kept my "real" life fairly separate from my blogging world up until now, but the line between the two is getting further fragmented. The world is indeed getting a bit smaller.

Let's see how much I remember about my firstborn's arrival ...

1. WAS YOUR FIRST PREGNANCY PLANNED? Extremely planned, as outlined in my infertility saga (part 1).

2. WERE YOU MARRIED AT THE TIME? Yes.

3. WHAT WERE YOUR REACTIONS? Disbelief that it had finally happened. Fear, that it wouldn't last.

4. WAS ABORTION AN OPTION FOR YOU? Never.

5. HOW OLD WERE YOU? 33 when I got pregnant and 34 when he was born.

6. HOW DID YOU FIND OUT? Telephone call a few days after visiting the clinic for bloodwork.

7. WHO DID YOU TELL FIRST? The hubby.

8. DID YOU WANT TO FIND OUT THE SEX? No, not really. But Ian had a burning need to know, and if he was to know there was no WAY I wasn't going to know too.

9. DUE DATE? May 18.

10. DID YOU HAVE MORNING SICKNESS? Not at all.

11. WHAT DID YOU CRAVE? Sweet. I was never much of a dessert person, but while pregnant, I just loaded up. Could be why I ballooned over 45 pounds.

12. WHO/WHAT IRRITATED YOU THE MOST? The fact that I could rarely get into a comfortable position to sleep. And then those darn excruciating leg cramps... ackkkkkk!!!

13. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CHILD’S SEX? Boy.

14. DID YOU WISH YOU HAD THE OPPOSITE SEX OF WHAT YOU WERE GETTING? Not at all. I was just ecstatic to be having a baby.

15. HOW MANY POUNDS DID YOU GAIN THROUGHOUT THE PREGNANCY? As per above, close to 50. I was huge.

16. DID YOU HAVE A BABY SHOWER? Almost one. I went into labour the day that the office was throwing me one. I had him one month early, so there was no way of knowing I would go into labour so soon! I called them on the way to the hospital...they collected the prezzies and delivered them home a few weeks later.

17. WAS IT A SURPRISE OR DID YOU KNOW? Total surprise.

18. DID YOU HAVE ANY COMPLICATIONS DURING YOUR PREGNANCY? No, it was smooth ... I was very lucky.

19. WHERE DID YOU GIVE BIRTH? Toronto.

20. HOW MANY HOURS WERE YOU IN LABOR? 12 hours.

21. WHO DROVE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL? The hubby Ian. We had to stop for gas ... he got a coffee ("Hey, do you want one?"-- " No hon, I'm gyrating mid-contraction, you may want to hurry it up...,") and we were in the middle of morning rush hour. Looking back, I`m surprised I didn`t kill him.

22. WHO WATCHED YOU GIVE BIRTH? Ian. My mom didn`t even offer to come downtown. She`s a smart lady. As a labour and delivery nurse and trained midwife, I suspect that the last thing she wanted to see was her firstborn going through childbirth. I can totally relate to that. The nurses told me my mom would be appalled with how casual things are today (no gowns, no masks, heck, I even had Diana Krall playing in the background on our portable stereo!).

23. WAS IT NATURAL OR C-SECTION? Natural.

24. DID YOU TAKE MEDICINE TO EASE THE PAIN? Eventually yes. I wanted to try without the epidural, but visualizing the beach stopped being effective at about the 6 hour mark.

"The beach is FADING FAST!!!"... And then it was `GET ME THE DRUGS!!!`

25. HOW MUCH DID YOUR CHILD WEIGH? 6lbs, 6oz.

26. WHEN WAS YOUR CHILD ACTUALLY BORN? April 25.

27. WHAT DID YOU NAME HIM? Well, it starts with L, that much I`ll give you. Although if you`ve been reading a while, you`ll already know.

28. HOW OLD IS YOUR FIRST BORN TODAY? 8 years, 10 months.

Where does the time go?